My mom says I can't call it a relapse because it's just how my life is. She said she was worried because I was saying the same things I said two Thanksgivings ago when I had a breakdown. I didn't think to ask her what those things are, so maybe I can have some advanced warning next time. I lost my appetite a couple of weeks ago and I thought maybe I was getting sick or the heat was getting to me. But I didn't mind all that much, because I normally have a huge appetite and I thought it might be cool if I lost weight. Then I started to feel really tense and irritable at work and I thought maybe I was starting to hate my job. But I don't really hate my job — I don't like working but I know what a really bad job is like and I know this is not one. I figured if I got out of town for a few days I would feel better. I went to visit my family and I made some tentative plans with some old friends which was really exciting. I knew I wasn't depressed because I wasn't sleeping much, and I usually sleep a ton. I was still not really eating much but I felt really motivated to work out and move around to release all of this crazy tension that I felt. I started having obsessive thoughts but I still didn't mind because my normal brand of obsessive thoughts (This train is about to derail/This car is going to crash/I think I have cancer, etc.) were replaced by a more trivial kind (Like, what will I say to my high school boyfriend?) When I got to Connecticut, I was feeling even crazier. I knew that the change of scenery would not help me relax. The trip was hugely disappointing, for various reasons. When I woke up this morning after not really sleeping and not really eating, I felt this horrible knot in my chest, like I was going to cry at any second. But there was nothing to cry about. I made it onto the train before I started crying and I haven't really stopped yet. It is frustrating because who wants to feel like this? When I had my first major depressive episode in college, I tried to tell my mom how bad I felt and she offered me this sage advice: "Why don't you try to snap out of it?" Yeah, like it is that easy. But the reassuring thing is that I've been through this before and I know I can get out of it, even if I don't know exactly how. All of the other times this happened, there was a huge trigger. I never realized it could just hit me out of the blue like this.