1. I pay for something that is free online. Yes, I am one of those dinosaurs with a New York Times subscription. I tried to go without it for a few months but I just don't like to read the paper online. Especially on weekends, when I try not to be online as much as possible. See, I work from home most days. I wake up early, brew a cup of coffee, sit down at my coffee table, and turn on the computer. Which I stare at or the next eight hours. On weekends, I wake up a little later, brew a cup of coffee and sit down at my coffee table. Then I spread the paper out in front of me, kick back, relax and read it slowly. It's just not the same waking up on weekends and hunching over the same coffee table, staring at the same screen I stare at five days a week. It feels like work. I love the physical act of reading the paper. I love lying down on the couch with the magazine folded up in one hand. I love spreading out the wedding announcements and scanning over the happy rich-looking couples, ignoring all of them except the ones that are interracial, gay, or old. Scrolling is just not the same as spreading out. And so, I will continue to pay for it until they pry it from my cold, dead hands. Or they stop making physical newspapers. Whichever comes first.

2. ***TMI alert! I'm going to talk about underwear now!***
I spend a fortune on bras. An absolute fortune. My bras cost more than anything that goes on top of them. I wear a very unusual size that is impossible to find in department stores. I also hate paying shipping for buying things online. So I visit the very nice lady at Couer who knows bras better than anyone in the world and always has "the special sizes" in stock and I pay a million and two dollars for the most comfortable, supportive and all around lovely bra experiences I have ever had. I only buy a couple at a time but sadly, they don't last forever. The problem is, my salary dropped considerably when I changed jobs and I am now paying back my astronomical student loans, and I had to get motherf'ing braces and it just seems completely irresponsible to pay for top-notch bras at this point. Denied! Suze Orman would tell me. Denied! Denied! Denied! Except . . .I kind of can't go back. I mean, your whole body feels a hundred times better. So what I'm saying is, it is quite possible that I will someday have newspapers delivered to a cardboard box where I live with my expensive bras and my degrees and my really, really nice teeth.

. . . I was born. I was good at two things as a baby: laughing and sleeping. I am still good at those two things. As far as I can tell, life just keeps getting better.

I was hoping that I would get a happy birthday present from my orthodontist today with the news that my braces are ready to come off. I have been asking if they are ready to come off since (roughly) the day I got them on. That day was one year and seven days ago. My teeth look totally straight to my uninformed eyes. My orthodontist feels otherwise and points out various subtle flaws and irregularities, some of which are taking place below the surface. He thinks they will be ready to come off by the end of the year. That is like an eternity away for a baby such as myself. Of course, I understand that if I want this investment to be worthwhile I can't rush it, but I am tired of people mistaking me for an undergrad when I am at work, or worse, my boss's daughter when I am traveling. Okay, I am done whining. I know I am a lucky, lucky girl.

I am so excited to hear that Rachel Maddow is getting her own show on MSNBC, starting in September! She'll be on after Keith Olbermann instead of that shouty lawyer guy who's on now. This is great news for anyone who likes real news coverage: Maddow is a policy wonk, not a pundit. And she's not full of herself like Olbermann. Nor does she shout like Chris Matthews. Nor does she stumble over the teleprompter while making sexy faces like some of the daytime newsbimbo hosts. I'm hoping she'll be the savior of Cable TV news. Read more about her offbeat path to cable news host in this awesome article from The Nation.

That is what Suze Orman would say if she spent one minute with me. That woman scares me. And yet, I am kind of in love with her. Actually I am in love with those impressions Kristin Whig does of her on SNL . . ."Don't waste your money on expensive self-tanners! Take a bath in beef boullion cubes!" Sometimes I get sucked into Suze Orman's show and I want to slap her callers. Not the dumb ones who spend too much money on shit they can't afford . . . I like them. They make me feel good about myself. The rich ones who call in and give stats about how they are 26 years old with a huge salary and a ginormous savings account and stocks and bonds and retirement and then ask if they can buy some dumbass rich person thing like a $900 pair of shoes. And of course Suze approves them, because they can afford it, because they are freaking rich and everyone knows it, and why are they calling in on this show anyway — just to brag?!?!

But I digress. I think I need a Suze Orman in my life. Every year around this time, I get a compulsive urge to buy stuff. I think it's because we always got the gigantic J.C. Penney's catalog in the summer when I was growing up and I would spend a great deal of time going through it, circling things like a mad woman and drawing mustaches on the models. I would plan what I was going to wear on the first, second and third days of school. I'd record Saved by the Bell and Blossom and write down what everyone wore to see if I could copy their outfits. And then, right before school started, which was coincidentally also around my birthday, I would get stuff! Not a lot of stuff, but enough to make me feel like I had achieved a real makeover. Of course, my taste was totally whacked out (please note that Blossom was my role model). I remember taking great care to plan one of my first week outfits in third grade: It consisted of a t-shirt that said "I don't look for trouble . . . it finds me," red knee socks, and poofy corduroy knickers (inspired by newsboys, I suppose?) that I asked my mom to make specifically for the occasion. I thought I looked awesome. Later, I started cutting the tops off my sweatshirts and coupling them with shorts — over tights — and the requisite floppy hat with the flower in the middle. Then came the crazy Salvation Army get-ups that were trying too hard in the opposite way. Each new outfit made me feel like I was really projecting a new image: that people were going to think I was super edgy and cool. I think people just thought I was weird.

Thanks to my help from the Macy's personal shopper a few years ago, I have the beginnings of a fairly solid grown-up wardrobe. There are some gaping holes in it though, and I feel like now is the time to fill them. Instead of getting a new iron and a new vacuum. This year I feel extra urgency in getting new stuff because it appears I am about to get my braces off — and I can't really explain the logic here, but it's like, I really should get a new bag to show off my new teeth. Doesn't make any sense, I know. Especially since I do not care at all about bags. Or shoes. But suddenly, I kind of do. It's weird though, I still hate the experience of shopping — I just want to get stuff so I can never go shopping again. But I think Suze Orman would tell me I've got it backwards. And then she'd slap me, probably.

Since my feedback from Dilemma #1 was so helpful (I am going to suck it up and buy a full sized ironing board and an iron that doesn't leak and have someone show me the right way to do it — thanks, guys!), here is my newest household dilemma. My vacuum cleaner sucks. Actually, it blows. It sucks up the dust and dirt and then two minutes later spews it back out all over the floor. Kind of defeating the purpose of vacuuming. I cleaned out its innards and it still does this. It also makes this low growly, rumbly noise that I have never heard it make before. Has anyone else ever had this problem? Is it fixable? If not, what's a good replacement vac? I've been pretty happy with this one the past three years, but I don't want to buy an exact replica. I want something lightweight yet effective (and preferably cheap — but I will spend more if it means not having to buy a replacement every couple of years). Anyone care to weigh in?