I was hoping that I would get a happy birthday present from my orthodontist today with the news that my braces are ready to come off. I have been asking if they are ready to come off since (roughly) the day I got them on. That day was one year and seven days ago. My teeth look totally straight to my uninformed eyes. My orthodontist feels otherwise and points out various subtle flaws and irregularities, some of which are taking place below the surface. He thinks they will be ready to come off by the end of the year. That is like an eternity away for a baby such as myself. Of course, I understand that if I want this investment to be worthwhile I can't rush it, but I am tired of people mistaking me for an undergrad when I am at work, or worse, my boss's daughter when I am traveling. Okay, I am done whining. I know I am a lucky, lucky girl.

That is what Suze Orman would say if she spent one minute with me. That woman scares me. And yet, I am kind of in love with her. Actually I am in love with those impressions Kristin Whig does of her on SNL . . ."Don't waste your money on expensive self-tanners! Take a bath in beef boullion cubes!" Sometimes I get sucked into Suze Orman's show and I want to slap her callers. Not the dumb ones who spend too much money on shit they can't afford . . . I like them. They make me feel good about myself. The rich ones who call in and give stats about how they are 26 years old with a huge salary and a ginormous savings account and stocks and bonds and retirement and then ask if they can buy some dumbass rich person thing like a $900 pair of shoes. And of course Suze approves them, because they can afford it, because they are freaking rich and everyone knows it, and why are they calling in on this show anyway — just to brag?!?!

But I digress. I think I need a Suze Orman in my life. Every year around this time, I get a compulsive urge to buy stuff. I think it's because we always got the gigantic J.C. Penney's catalog in the summer when I was growing up and I would spend a great deal of time going through it, circling things like a mad woman and drawing mustaches on the models. I would plan what I was going to wear on the first, second and third days of school. I'd record Saved by the Bell and Blossom and write down what everyone wore to see if I could copy their outfits. And then, right before school started, which was coincidentally also around my birthday, I would get stuff! Not a lot of stuff, but enough to make me feel like I had achieved a real makeover. Of course, my taste was totally whacked out (please note that Blossom was my role model). I remember taking great care to plan one of my first week outfits in third grade: It consisted of a t-shirt that said "I don't look for trouble . . . it finds me," red knee socks, and poofy corduroy knickers (inspired by newsboys, I suppose?) that I asked my mom to make specifically for the occasion. I thought I looked awesome. Later, I started cutting the tops off my sweatshirts and coupling them with shorts — over tights — and the requisite floppy hat with the flower in the middle. Then came the crazy Salvation Army get-ups that were trying too hard in the opposite way. Each new outfit made me feel like I was really projecting a new image: that people were going to think I was super edgy and cool. I think people just thought I was weird.

Thanks to my help from the Macy's personal shopper a few years ago, I have the beginnings of a fairly solid grown-up wardrobe. There are some gaping holes in it though, and I feel like now is the time to fill them. Instead of getting a new iron and a new vacuum. This year I feel extra urgency in getting new stuff because it appears I am about to get my braces off — and I can't really explain the logic here, but it's like, I really should get a new bag to show off my new teeth. Doesn't make any sense, I know. Especially since I do not care at all about bags. Or shoes. But suddenly, I kind of do. It's weird though, I still hate the experience of shopping — I just want to get stuff so I can never go shopping again. But I think Suze Orman would tell me I've got it backwards. And then she'd slap me, probably.

Since my feedback from Dilemma #1 was so helpful (I am going to suck it up and buy a full sized ironing board and an iron that doesn't leak and have someone show me the right way to do it — thanks, guys!), here is my newest household dilemma. My vacuum cleaner sucks. Actually, it blows. It sucks up the dust and dirt and then two minutes later spews it back out all over the floor. Kind of defeating the purpose of vacuuming. I cleaned out its innards and it still does this. It also makes this low growly, rumbly noise that I have never heard it make before. Has anyone else ever had this problem? Is it fixable? If not, what's a good replacement vac? I've been pretty happy with this one the past three years, but I don't want to buy an exact replica. I want something lightweight yet effective (and preferably cheap — but I will spend more if it means not having to buy a replacement every couple of years). Anyone care to weigh in?

This is hilarious. Make sure to check out the descriptions and the other classic thongs . . . I particularly enjoy the DSM one.

Via Feministing.

When I stopped writing blogs, I stopped reading them, for the most part, as well. It was just too much to keep up with, and reading the blogs of people I actually know reminded me of how I wasn't blogging and then I just felt bad. So for a while, I cut down my daily reads to almost nothing. I will never tell you what the list was, because some of them are totally embarrassing. But here's a summary: one liberal blog, one conservative blog, one gossip site, one political tabloid, one feminist blog, and a couple environmentalist blogs. Here is the strange thing, though — I didn't bookmark any of them, so I could only read blogs if I remembered the right address. I can't explain why I was feeling so vehemently anti-blog, but I'm over it now, so please forgive me.

My foray into the world of environmentalist blogs is worth sharing, though. Here are my top three:

Crunchy Chicken
Crunchy Chicken is amazing — it seems like she can do anything from scratch, and blog about it at the same time (with a sense of humor to boot)! This is my #1 must read enviro-blog.

Going Green
'Burban Mom is "just your average suburbanite slob who woke up one day and realized my daily actions were contributing to the rapid decay of the planet." And she is freaking hilarious. What I love, love, love about this blog is that there is nothing remotely esoteric or greener-than-thou about it — it is completely accessible.

Fake Plastic Fish
Beth from Fake Plastic Fish is trying to go plastic-free. I am in complete admiration of the way that she takes the time to call and write to companies about eliminating plastic — in instances where I would totally shrug plastic off as inevitable. But she is not sanctimonious about it at all: she even dressed up as a Brita Filter as part of the Take Back the Filter campaign. (Did you know that Brita filters are recyclable in Europe but not the U.S.?) Reading this blog has made me become way more conscious about the plastic I consume.

I realize no one knows I've decided to start blogging again, so this post may remain unseen for a while. I'm hoping that someone with expertise in this subject area will stumble upon this and offer tremendous insight. Here is my dilemma:

I can't iron. I hate ironing and I'm not good at it. I have a Jiffy esteem travel steamer and it works pretty well for most things. But it doesn't work at all for my heavier pants. I also have a cheapo regular iron and a dorm-sized tabletop ironing board. When I try to iron my pants with this set-up, the iron intermittently turns itself off and drips and the weird size of the board means I end up adding even more strange creases to my pants. I have several possible solutions to this problem and I'm not sure which is the right one.

1) Buy a good iron. But what is a good iron? Need some help here.
2) Buy a full-sized ironing board. These things are much more expensive than I thought they would be.
3) Buy 1 and 2
4) Don't buy an iron at all but instead invest in a commercial-grade steamer. I kind of want to do this since I hate ironing so much but obviously it is the most expensive choice. And then in the reviews there is always someone who says not to waste your money and to keep your regular iron — but who are these people? Do they require extremely pressed clothes?

I am a regular wrinkly person with a modest budget. What should I do?

I decided to write a post.

I thought I was done blogging. Every single day, I think of something really great to share, word it perfectly in my head and then refuse to write it down. There are a lot of reasons why I don't: I stare at this screen all day for work and don't feel like staring at it afterwards, I realize whatever I'm trying to say has already been said a million times or just really isn't that important, people who know me can find out what I'm up to by reading Albert's blog, etc. etc. So why today? Do I have something important to say that no one else has ever said? Of course not. I have absolutely nothing to say. I am just breaking my seal for when I do have something to say. I realized I am not ready to completely abandon this blog . . . so here I am. And here are some interesting things:

My friend Shannon has an awesome blog about her fish. I love this girl. She is a frickin genius.

Courtney Martin reads my mind.

The second season of Mad Men premieres tonight! This is one of the best shows I have ever seen, and it is hands down the best thing on TV right now. It's kind of dark and melodramatic, but every episode is like a beautifully filmed movie in and of itself, and what else do you have to do at 10:00 on a Sunday night?

This kid is like a bad SNL parody. . . but real. Awesome.

I am now officially a braceface. I was really really worried that I would look so goofy everyone I passed on the street would make fun of me, but now I see how unlikely that scenario is. I mean, who really cares about someone else's teeth? And these braces are not even that obvious. But I was so worried for so long about how I would look, I forgot to think about how I would feel. And I feel really uncomfortable. I can't smile, I can't eat solid food, I can't rub my lips together and I can't really talk. People say it takes a little while to adjust, but at this point, I can't imagine ever adjusting. My mouth feels so strange.

Since Low Impact Week, we've been doing pretty well when it comes to eating locally and saving energy. I have also — unintentionally — decreased my consumerism significantly. Well, it's not exactly unintentional, but it was undesired, at least at first. You see, I am about to incur serious expenses in fixing my teeth. I don't want to do it (for both financial and aesthetic reasons) but it is becoming more and more clear that I shouldn't put it off any further. In the mean time, I am going to be moving in a few months and there is nothing I would love to do more than buy new stuff for my new apartment. I have improved a little bit here, because I want to replace some of my old crappy household items with things that are easier on the earth. I no longer want to buy a million cheap plastic things that were made in China, but I still want to buy things. And I want to buy things I can't afford. I have to be honest: I enjoy consuming. I am trying to think a lot harder about the whats/wheres/whens/hows and whys of my consumption. And that is a start.

The good part is that I'm kind of a minimalist and therefore constantly giving away (or trying to give away) stuff. So, sometimes when I start fantasizing about sleeping on organic sheets, I immediately think of something I can give away that will make my house less cluttered and might make someone else happy — and it seems to trigger the same pleasant feelings. I have also done some organizing of other people's stuff which satisfies this same desire in a weird way. This is partly because I am generally feeling quite antsy as I am in limbo for the next two months, waiting for the new apartment and new job to start. It's a fresh start in many ways, and it is taking place right at the same time as I am ready to take more steps in leading a more environmentally-friendly lifestyle. It's tempting to just go crazy buying composting, energy-saving, low-flowing, organic, natural thingamahoovers . . . but I can't. Not right now.