So, I am in the lobby of my work building today, which is partly residential and partly commercial. I follow someone else in and at first she refuses to let me come after her. I give her an "I can't believe you" look and then she asks pointedly, "Do you belong here?" I say yes, and then make a big show out of taking my keys out and opening my boss's mailbox. The lady looks embarrassed and starts mumbling about security and then says all snottily, "Well, I'm sure you appreciate my concern for the building's security." Actually, Ms. Bitchy, I don't. Because even if I were breaking into the building, I would have said I belonged there. Duh. And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have said anything if I looked rich, which, obviously I do not. This is not the first time this has happened to me here, so let me spell it out for you richies: If you are so concerned with disheleved 20-somethings intruding on your property, get a freaking doorman. You're rich enough. God.

It's my third semester of graduate school and I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I just realized I have a huge anti-authoritarian streak that has never really shown itself during my largely goody-two-shoes life.

Here's my evaluation of school: I really like doing the readings. I also kind of like writing research papers, when I am excited about the topic. What I don't like is doing smaller assignments that "prove" I read the readings. I want the professors to just trust I read the readings, because I always do. I hate dumbass little mini-papers and I put them off until the last possible minute. I also don't like having to attend class. I like going to some of my classes, I don't like that I have to go. I also don't like how much this whole endeavor is costing me. I will be paying out my nose for years to come. The more I look at what I'm typing, the more it seems like I should have just audited classes for my own personal edification. But I'm three semesters in, so I might as well get some letters after my name.

Another reason why I wouldn't quit school is that it would leave me with just my job, which is, on its own, unsatisfying. I don't mind my job, it's not hard at all and I work with some interesting people whom I otherwise would never know. The thing I like about my job is making money. I don't make a whole lot of it, but I don't do a whole lot, either. I have zero job-related stress. The annoying thing about my job is having to be there, although it's a lot easier to miss than school. Sometimes there are large chunks of the day where I have nothing to do, and it makes no sense for me to be there. Another thing about my job is that it does not align well with all of my values. I mean, I am not building bombs or anything, I am answering phones for a real estate broker, but if working was all I did, I would want to find a job that was focused on helping people (not helping rich people stay rich). Of course, I do know a lot of people who work corporate jobs to support themselves and their families and then do amazing things with their money and their spare time, so . . . I don't know. It seems like every day I am learning more and more about what I like and don't like, want and don't want, etc. Things are still murky, but they're a lot clearer than they were two years ago when I not only didn't know what I wanted to do, I didn't know who I wanted to be. I know who I am now, and I am more than what I do for school or work.

Oh my gosh, I totally forgot how annoying school can be. I am taking the hardest class (in terms of workload, not difficulty) that I have ever taken. I might be getting what I deserve because I totally picked it because it sounded easy. But holy camole, this is hard. Sometimes I wonder why I did this to myself, and then I remember it's about the balance. I sometimes really don't like work, because it does nothing to enrich me, but it gives me money. Then I take that money and put it towards school, which is somewhat enriching, but annoying in a totally different way. I forgot what these weekends are like, when I have stacks of books in front of me and I am just dying to clean toilets or do anything else besides read them. Last weekend, I was so excited to be back in school because I felt like an uninspired lazybones. This weekend, I'm wishing it was still last weekend. Someday I will get the balance down right.

It's my first day of school and I'm excited. Even though I know in a month I am going to be miserable writing stupid papers that include words like "hegemony" and "juxtapose", I'm happy to know I will be utilizing my brain again. I always thought I would have a future as an academic, even though both of my parents are professors and we grew up without much money. I was really disappointed to find out that in order to pay for my master's degree, I would have to work full time and take out loans. I really wanted to be a full time student. Then I started making a tiny bit of money working and I realized, it's kind of nice to be able to pay for stuff. It would be even nicer if I didn't have to pay back these big fat school loans. I think, if I could do it again, I would have worked more at my regular job and just taken fun classes here and there. But I do need to take classes, because working a 9-5 job in something you don't really care about can feel kind of pointless. My degree in media is likely to also be pointless, but doing the two at once makes me feel better about both. Some days I think school is total bullshit and then I think, "Well, at least I have my 9-5 job to support myself." Other days I think my job is so stupid and I am thankful to be in program studying something that really interests me. I've been asked a million times what my degree and my job are "leading up to." My answer is, I don't know that they are leading up to anything, they just are. I am envious of people who have a real passion for doing something and then find a way to get paid for doing it. As of right now, I am not one of those people. Sometimes I detect some criticism from other people, like I am wasting my life because I don't have some clear cut path. I also hear it a lot when I shrug my shoulders about whether I want to get married. I don't know. I am still figuring things out, day by day. My first strategy when I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life was to lie around, doing nothing and feeling miserable. I learned that this does not work. In general, the busier I am, the happier I am. I hope I still feel that way at the end of the semester.